Earlier this week, Monday to be exact, I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to drive our dog Casey over to the vet to have him put down. He was old, and not doing very well over all, we started to see the end was near. He was uncomfortable, had a hard time walking, was eating sporadically. He would poop in his sleep, and he did sleep, a lot, almost the entire day. So, we felt the time was now. Before he couldn't walk, before he was in much more pain, before he lost his mind which can all happen so fast when dogs get this old. I can only wish someone does the same for me some day. To die with dignity, potentially even at a time of our control.
It was hard to make the appointment, hard to know the time was numbered. I spent time sitting with him when he was awake, which was not often.
Taking him in that day was the longest ride of my life, getting through the procedure was both sad, and at the same time a relief. He went peacefully, laying in my arms.
Casey was a unique dog, although I may be biased. He was always a sweet boy, everyone loved him and he lived a long charmed life. He dodged a lot of bullets as well - a tumor removed when he was eight - the vet told us she had never seen it not be cancer. But it wasn't. Then he developed heart disease and a murmur, but that didn't stop him. About a year ago he developed an aggressive form of cancer on his gums, which was removed and didn't come back. He started to have congestive heart failure a few months ago, but some meds slowed that down. All these times, we thought we would lose him, but never did. Once the time came to let him go, I had no regrets, it was absolutely the kindest thing I could do for him.
But still, it is upsetting and sad, and of course I missed him everyday I came home this week. Even though he stopped greeting us at the door a long time ago, knowing he was present was enough.
There is a huge misconception in Buddhism, that we are somehow without emotion, or shouldn't react to things with emotion, but that is realy not true. While in this body, tied and driven by so many emotions, mental reactions, attachments, clinging to what is, we too suffer and feel pain and sadness. We may deal with it differently, but it is and will always be there, until we too are no longer mortal.
To honor his passing, I have been chanting the Bardo prayer for him daily. Usually also the heart sutra. I light some incense and a candle. I hope he passes from this existance to the next, maybe in a better situation (although he had it made with us for 14 years - I will hope when I die to come back as one of our dogs).
There is a great part in the Salla Sutta (part of the Sutta Nipata) which is a reflection on death. It says: "When he sees that someone has passed away and lived out their life, he says 'He will not be seen by me again'.
We will collect his ashes, and find an appropriate place to spread them, or bury them. We will remember what a great dog he was, how much we loved him. He will not be seen by us again.
Rest in Peace Boog Boog - see you soon.
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